youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
