Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
