Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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