I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
