I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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