Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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