Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
