Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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