i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize