I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
