I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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