I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
