3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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