Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
