I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
