Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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