There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
