if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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