Welp...herpes.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
