Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He has the fingertips of a God
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
