I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
