the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
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He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
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Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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