I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
