The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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