wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
