Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
