You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
