sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
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Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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