I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
