Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
