my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
