I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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