I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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