My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Randomize
