I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
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Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
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Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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