The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
