Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
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yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
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I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Congratulations! We have a period
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize