you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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