Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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