I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
