i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Did I show you my penis last night?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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