I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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