I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
