A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize