my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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