can we get nightvision for the apartment?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
