I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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