my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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