I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
