So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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