Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
