i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
