new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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