just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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