i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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