In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize