Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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